Things You Shouldn't Say or Do, While on Atlantis
by Jezzalinko
Summary: A collection of Things You Probably Shouldn't Say or Do, While on Atlantis, through the eyes of Specialist Jeremy Bingley, cause they can get you into trouble. Implied Minor ShepWeir, OC
1. Chapter 1

Hi, this is my first story posted on so I hope you enjoy. There are a couple of minor spoilers for Echo's & Sunday, but nothing major. I was inspired to write this after reading The Atlantis Handbook. Hope you enjoy.

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_**Things You Probably Shouldn't Say or Do**_

_**While on Atlantis**_

By Jezza

Hi, I'm Specialist Jeremy Bingley, formerly of the SAS. Since I've been living in Atlantis, I've done a couple of stupid things. This is my ever growing list of things, which you probably shouldn't say or do, while living in Atlantis. Trust me, they all seemed, like a good idea at the time, well so of most of the things that I've gotten into trouble over. Some of them though, are the reasons why I've gotten to know, some of the people here, better.

So, let's begin.

**Number 1 – Do not make any reference to a possible relationship, between Dr Weir & Colonel Sheppard, if front of any Military personal, not stationed on Atlantis, especially Colonel Caldwell.**

Yep, my timing was perfect, or shoddy, depending on how you look at it. I hadn't realised that Colonel Caldwell, had just entered the room, well I yelled out, "Bloody Hell Sheppard, just kiss her already. We all know that you two are dating." Yep, how stupid do you think I felt? What made it worse, was the fact that SGA-1 was about to go one a four week break. Thanks to my big mouth, I had to join Major Lorne's SGA-2, till they had there break, which was still, two weeks away.

**Number 2 – Do not play Paintball, with Wraith Stunners, through the whole city.**

Aha, that one was mad fun. We were all bored out of our brains, while on our break. So, I suggested that we should play paintball, with Wraith Stunners. You know, good training exercise, while fun at the same time. Dr Weir was not impressed, when she found out, while Sheppard & I ran through the control room, Wraith stunners blasts flying at each other. Highlight of that, leaping over the balustrades near the DHD, while shooting at Sheppard. Some of us, got forced to babysit the scientists, as punishment, while others, inventory duty. I had to babysit Dr McKay, while poor poor Ronon, had to babysit Dr Zelenka, on the mainland.

**Number 3 – Don't play slog the live Wraith Grenade**

Ok, that was pure stupidity. Lorne & I were bored (as you might of guessed, me & boredom, don't mix), so I suggested, how about hitting balls into the water. Only problem, is that all we had, were Wraith Grenades. So, we were happily mucking around, just hitting them, when Lorne (not my, for once) thought it would be more fun, if we slogged LIVE Wraith Grenades, instead. So, we spent the better half of an hour, slogging live wraith grenades, of an empty balcony. It was funny to find out how many people ended up watching the blasts, & thinking, "What the hell?" It was going well, until I mishit one. I don't think I've ever ran so fast in my life. For those who have watch Cricket, & seen them hit it straight up in the air, well, that's what happened. We blew up a balcony, so as punishment, I had to become the scientist's personal refreshment collector, & what made it worse, was that I couldn't use a transported. I can't remember the number of coffees I had to get them.

**Number 4 – Don't mention Colonel Sheppard's ex-wife in front of Dr Weir.**

Aha, my luck never seeks to amaze me. I can survive Wraith Attacks, but when it comes to my mouth, well I always time it badly. It happened similarly to when I made the comment about John & Elizabeth relationship in front of Caldwell. Except this time, it was in the mess hall, not Dr Weir's office. Once again, I didn't realise that Dr Weir, had entered the mess hall, when a said loudly, "You had a wife? Since when did you have a wife? That might explain, as Rodney puts it, the Captain James T. Kirk Syndrome." Picture the tears in Dr Weir's eyes, the raw anger on Sheppard's face, & the look of pure horror on mine. I know I said that I don't think I have ever ran as fast as I did when Lorne & I blew up the balcony, well if that was me running, then I must of been sprinting, cause I bolted out of the mess hall, with Sheppard, hot on my heels. He didn't end up catching me, beat sure as tried to beat the hell out of me, when we sparred that night.

That's it for now. Maybe I'll tell you, but that's it for now.

Specialist Jeremy Bingley

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What did you think? I hope you like it, & if you would like me to write up a story for each of them, tell me, because I would like to.

This is my first story involving Jeremy, & there is a whole back story to why he is on Atlantis, which I will get to. Think Wraith Scout Ship, reaches Earth, & crash lands in the Australian Outback. Tell me what you think of him, because he seems to be a cross between Sheppard, & Ronon, though he was originally created for stories based around Matthew Reilly's characters, especially Shane 'Scarecrow' Schofield, & Jack 'Huntsman' West Jr.

By the way, if you would like for me to keep going, & have ideas or plots, please feel free to tell me them, cause I have one or two stashed away.

Well thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it, & please review

Jezza


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for not updating earlier, because it's either been because of school, or because I've haven't had any ideas.

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_**Things You Probably Shouldn't Say or Do**_

_**While on Atlantis**_

By Jezza

**Number 5 – When looking for work off Dr McKay's Laptop, don't mention his screensaver of Col. Carter to anyone, he sicks Ronon onto you.**

Yeah, funny story, on one of my many stays in the labs, not all from punishment, I might add, I decided to check Dr McKay's computer for the info we needed. The first thing I see, a half-naked picture of Col. Samantha Carter, on the screen, (I had nightmares for days), & I was stupid enough to tell the Doctor I was helping. The next thing I know, Dr McKay walks in the room, & starts to threaten me. Of cause, I don't think much into it at the time, but as I later found out, I was wrong. I think I got 20 metres away from when I started, before Ronon caught me, picked me up by my shirt, & started threaten me. Not fun, I was almost shitting myself.

**Number 6 – When looking for work on McKay's laptop, don't blow it up………**

Yeah, it was bad, but it was an accident this time. I mean it. Me & this laptop don't mix, (like me & boredom). Once again, I find myself in one of the labs, helping the same doctor, & once again I need to go to McKay's laptop to find something. But this time I got to the work I needed, but it was password protected. So, I've forgotten how many times I tried to enter 'My' access code, which didn't work, before I started hearing a beeping sound, & a number on the screen. The next thing I know, it blew up. Seriously, who has a freaking explosive device, as a security measure, that man is insane. Read on for the aftermath.

**Number 7 – Don't try & escape from the infirmary, Beckett is smarter then that, & is not afraid to shoot you.**

Not literally, but never the less, with a Wraith Stunner. I know have to thank Sheppard for that one, always trying to escape the infirmary. So where was I, oh yeah? This one happened right after blowing up McKay's laptop. I was getting patched up by Dr Beckett, the Scottish doctor, also known as the CMO, or Chief Medical Officer, telling me to rest, & asking how I managed it, when a furious McKay, carrying the remains of said laptop, followed by Ronon, & Sheppard, on a unrelated matter, something about contraceptives, if I recall correct. So, what is my first reaction… you guessed it, RUN! I didn't even manage to get 3 feet out the door, when Beckett shot me, which caused me to go head first into the wall, which I didn't feel by the way. Dr Weir wasn't impressed that I blew up McKay's laptop, but she thought my injuries were enough punishment.

**Number 8 – Don't go walking around the city at night, you never know what you might find.**

Are yeah, that's something I never thought would be a bad thing. I couldn't sleep one night, so I decided to go for a walk, or run. This city never ceases to amaze me, the only light that were on in the whole city, were either, the labs, the gym, or the control room, no other light came on. Trust me, the night shift are crazy, so I decided not to go there. So the gym was my next destination. I think I got within 10 metres of the gym, before I started hearing grunting, so I thought, someone must have been up, then the next thing I hear is a moan. I later found out that it was Ronon & Teyla sparring, but that wasn't what I thought, at the time, so I quickly moved on. The labs were next. I heard McKay & Dr Brown **(AN. Katie Brown, the botanist, I think)**, talking softly, & giggling, so I once again, backed away & left, (They were having a romantic evening since they had the night shift). Ok, guess what I heard on one the balconies, Dr Weir moaning, "Oh John, John, John!" That was all I heard before I got scared & ran, (Sheppard was giving Dr Weir a massage). So I quickly went back to my room, & tried to sleep which I managed.

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I hope you enjoy, & if you have ANY ideas, please tell me, I need some ideas. 

BTW, if you want to borrow my character, just PM me that you're using him, & then go ahead, I will most likely get it within a day of you sending it.

Laters

Jezza


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for not updating earlier, because it's either been because of school, or because I've haven't had any ideas.

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_**Things You Probably Shouldn't Say or Do**_

_**While on Atlantis**_

By Jezza

**Number 9 – Don't make a reference to Sheppard, & Bugs. Not Fun.**

I pity the poor bastard who said this one, & it wasn't me, thank god. Nah, one of the new guys, heard about when the Colonal was turned into a mutant bug man. I was there & trust me, what followed, stopped anyone from saying anything like that again. You don't go saying, "Hey Bugman, how ya going?" to the colonal. Not a very smart idea. Let me put it this way, Sheppard grabbed him by the shirt, called for me to come, & dragged him to the Jumper Bay. We flew about 1-2 km out from Atlantis, & told him to jump. Weel, he wouldn't jump, so Sheppard threaten to shot him, at which point, we would then throw him out. He jumped, & I almost followed him to, because of one of my stupid comments. Almost.

**Number 10 – No matter how important the mission is, DO NOT sleep with (in a sense) a teenage, virgin Wraith Queen!**

Trust me, the smeel stays with you for days, & those claws... Ouch. Ok, maybe I should explain. We found out that a particular hive, whose queen, was, in a sense, a teenager, who had been passed on the control of the Hive, by her still alive mother, wanted an allaince, & peace. We hesitantly agreed,but it was proven to be true, when one of their datrs, picked up on of our teams, & dropped them of safe & sound. Well, this came about because we found a race, called the Eildons, who worshipped the Wraith, & were as technologically as advanced as we were, before the Stargate program. So, there meaner, & deadlier then the Genii, who also happen to be having a Cold War with. Well, to find out more about them, we decided that a few of us should act like Wraith Worshippers. It was acturally good fun, but my part, was to be the Queen's personal pleasure slave, or Consort, I can't remember, so I had to break her in. Trust me, it was amazing, but is the most weird thing that I have ever done, & is just wrong. I won't go into details, so you can use your imagination.

**Number 11 – When being shot at, & running to the gate, make sure that the DHD is working.**

Otherwise, make sure you have enough ammo, till backup arrives. Well after causing a ruckess on the Eildon homeworld, & making ourselves, probably the best party animals, of all of our enemies, (Emo/Punk clothing, & dress sense, & Heavy Euro Trance, booming throughout the city). Well, normal mission for SGA-1, except Sheppard & McKay both had the week off, so Major Lorne had joined us. Well, it didn't go to well, & we ended up in a fire fight, while waiting for backup, since the DHD, was stuffed. As fun as seeing how many we can kill, before we lose, or backup comes, it isn't fun when you get shot. We finally contained them enough, so a Jumper could come through, & dial as home.

**Number 12 – When being shot at, don't keep trying to dial the same address. If it doesn't work, DIAL SOMEWHERE ELSE!!**

I'm not the only one to do this, but I did get in shit for it. It was a routine mission, except that McKay & Sheppard were both still on their week off, so Major Lorne was still part of the team. Well put it this way, when does any routine mission go to plan. We got attacked by the Eildon's on a planet, but when we tried to dial home, the wormhole wouldn't engage. Little did we know, that it was the weekly check in from the SGC. So, not thinking, & while being shot at repetitively, I tried repeatly tried to dial home. I'm surprised that I can still use my left arm, after that incident. When we finally got through, thrust me, I wasn't expecting the guest that I had.

**Number 13 – Don't come home running through the gate, while being shot at, when your girlfriend from Earth, is standing on the balcony next to Dr. Weir's office, talking to Dr. Weir.**

Yep, not a smart idea, but what can I say, but I couldn't help it. I didn't know she was going to be there. But coming through the gate, last, while being shot at, & being shot up (remember, my left arm, that had been shot repetitively), then falling unconsious, probably isn't the best thing to do, when your girlfriend is waiting for you, who you haven't seen for months. She didn't leave my side for weeks after that.

**Number 14 – Don't walk through the gate, saying "Hallowed are the Ori." after coming back from a mission. They can't take a joke at the SGC.**

Self explained. Not smart. I did it as a joke, on a break from Atlantis. Not the best idea, doing that, with the Book of Origin in your hands. I was locked up for a day, before they found out it was a joke. **(A.N. Sorry, I know it's a SG-1 plot, but I couldn't keep it to myself.)**

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Hope you enjoy it, & please review, & pass on some ideas, I badly need them. 

Peoples, I don't mind if you use my characters (or races), just PM me, & use them, I want to see what people say about them (BTW, the teenage wraith queen was named... umm... Kristy, by Sheppard (& another Character, who wanted to name a Wraith)

Thanks

Jezza


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